Embracing the Unknown
** TW- this blog has sensitive content regarding child loss
No one is coming to save you. No one is coming to save me.
This is a harsh and necessary threshold on the spiritual path we all must contend with. Quite often, we go from the Judeo-Christian theology and mythos and trade it for a new age upgrade: the old man in the sky becomes St. Germaine or the Ascended Masters. We still cling to the perception that someone can grant us a better life, or condemn us for our sin/karmas. We are still on the karma wheel trap.
This is not to say there is no greater being or Intelligence, an order of things, or a higher perspective. The illuminated ones that walked the Earth at one time. Yeshua, Mary Magdalene, Great initiates of the Egyptian Mysteries and Ascension, the Wisdom keepers of Gaia, the Merlins and the Bodhisattvas of the path, Indian Gurus and Grandmothers. They are all incredible teachers, wayshowers, but not saviors, and that is an important distinction. They point the way but are not the way.
There is a terrifying truth we must confront at some point. That, no one can live our lives for us. No one can grant you the keys to the kingdom or absolve your karmas. No one is coming to save you from the raw vulnerability of the unknown. The fear of the void, and the greatest unknown, death, cannot be banished away.
So often we trade old gods for new gods and then back to ancient gods. The human mind needs to make sense of the brutality and the suffering of this world. All to guard against the immense beauty and extraordinary existence that is this human life.
When we arrive at those threshold moments, when we sit in the unexpected void of the unknown, we are left with nothing but our fragility and pain, and our greatness and pure joy.
And, that is a beautiful thing. In that empty moment, the void of not knowing, we find our connection between ourselves and the holy divine.
If you are here reading this, you have most likely stepped out of the old dogma of religion. You may know the Universal Laws, know about karma, and reincarnation. You have probably followed one or more alternative spiritual paths. Maybe you have gone to India to visit your Guru, or drank medicine in Peru. We want to believe we are not in the belly of the old beast of patriarchy and control we escaped from. We are liberated, free, reaching toward a 5D reality while knowing our sun, moon, and rising signs. We left the Big Daddy with a beard in the sky adolescent view. We are conscious creators no longer in the power-over dynamic of the old abrahamic religions. We are conscious.
Until, we are not. When 95 percent of our brain's unconscious programming is running the show, the part of us that is still enmeshed with the punishment and reward system, that part that is holding on to survival and that still needs answers for the way things are, especially when we are suffering.
After 20 years of being with people intimately through sessions or readings, ceremonies or sacred circles, one of the common experiences stands out. And that is, we all want reassurance that bad things won’t happen and that good things will. That we can somehow bypass the raw beauty of being human with its suffering and joy.
This is an elementary breakdown of sometimes complex problems, but when you distill the questions, the stories, all the different experiences, and the characters, it truly can be boiled down to that.
When something sad and tragic happens to ourselves or someone we love, immediately what follows is the question of why? This is normal, it is part of the grieving process. The why is frequently followed by the how? Why did this happen when I am a healthy person? Or a good person? I eat organic and do mantra. I meditate and pray at rivers, and I wear an EMF protector. I do ALL the things. So how has the x y and z shit thing happen to me? Or them? Make it make sense.
This, too, is a natural human response. The mind wants to make sense of it all. Even our spiritual mythology structures can often support this grasping or striving.
We end up looping on what we have done wrong. Instead of a guy in the sky mad at you, you somehow failed at your prayers, your gratitude despachos, Neptune and Saturn are square, and this has to do with clearing your past lives karma.
I am not saying that these things are not true. Neptune might be wreaking havoc in your house of work, you may be in the purification process of past samskaras and karmas.
But it is how we relate to these things that matters. It is how we relate to what is that determines whether it has a hold on us or not.
When we are in our dark night of the Soul, when there is no comfort, and our minds are looping, these moments and patterns reveal what is in our unconscious mind and what is stuck in our bodies. The questions and resistance are the arrows pointing to what is beneath the initial anguish.
We still believe somewhere underneath all our hard earned wisdom, rooted somewhere in our Nervous system and unconscious minds, we believe that all the prayers, all the mantras all the ways we show up authentically ( and we do) there is still the belief that these actions will protect us from the inevitable pain points on the path. That we will be granted ,by our own merit , a life free of suffering. We try to escape the Unknown.
Somewhere in our bodies and DNA we have not evolved and made peace with the terrifying fact that we have no control.
We can not practice our way out of the naked reality of life as a human on this planet. Even when, especially when, we remember other origins of ourselves. We are in the naked void of no guarantees and no promises here in our humanity.
And this is where our true liberation is available. Inside the Unknown and the Great Mystery.
Many years ago, I was at the hospital on my deathbed. My son had just died in utero and I would either die with my son or, by a miracle my failing body would find the strength to deliver him so I could get the procedure that would save my life. But that needed to happen ASAP and instead, we were all just waiting. I was dying, and I knew it. Everyone around me knew it. I was swimming in the in-between. The further I sank into the void the hospital room began to fade away, changing in shapes, smells, temperatures. The room became cold, with large stone walls, little light, and a scent I could almost place; right as an awareness nearly reached me, it would change again. Now I was in a brighter room, adobe like straw, dirt, and warmth. It continued like this for some time.
Each image and experience becomes more real than the last. In all these shifting dwellings, I too changed. My hands were all I could manage to see of my body and they were white skinned then tan , shifting to a light brown then to a pale, almost translucent white, to dark and ebony. My hands were my hands but different.
I was right there, first person, and in the last turn of the wheel I knew with all my being what I was seeing. All the moments, all the lives I had died in childbirth, the circle and cycle was continuing. This was not philosophical but visceral. A holy gnosis. When the wheel stopped, I was back looking at my hands now, fair skinned with freckles. A matter of fact, clarity came, I was going to die again. Something had not been completed to keep it from happening. I could sense/see the loop of experience with myself and motherhood; that was just that, looping, just different times, different characters, and the same soul.
I had no judgment, no desire. I simply observed what was—the truth of what had happened and the truth of what was happening. There was nothing to fix or even regret. I faced the emptiness of knowing with my whole being. There was a peace and perfection that is indescribable because there was no resistance to that moment, as horrible as it was.
Now I didn't die, clearly. But I did take the road towards death. I brushed up with the Otherside. I came back to this earth with a knowledge and experience that has taken me almost a decade to be able to assimilate, much less articulate. A gnosis that lives in my cells.
No one is coming to save me. No one is coming to ensure my life is free from suffering . And though this is terrifying for the DNA to unravel from thousands of years of programming,
It is the most liberating and illuminating truth we can embody.
Life began anew for me. And it begins anew for you every time you become aware of the fear of death, but also the fear of the unknown, the great void and mystery.
( spoiler -what IS on the other side in a profound love and peace that cannot be grasped by the mind or even reenacted on this earth or even with the powerful psychedelics )
I am free to accept that the divine lives within me.And that void, that great Unknown, that immense Love that is everything and nothing lives in every cell of my body. It is my body.
The striving for enlightenment and awakening only keeps the experience at arms reach.
It takes a radical responsibility to claim your life. It is a radical act to be in love with your human existence, as is. To surrender to the unknown, that dark void where there are no guarantees and no spiritual personality or identity can protect you from that type of naked vulnerability- that is liberation.
I didn't die that day. But I might tomorrow. Or the day after, or 50 years from now. Who knows. But when I can sit with the immense beauty and brutality of this existence, I become free.